….loves me!

The autumn breeze brings a gripping stillness! Onset of winter brings along fond memories, chilliest of nights made warm and sultry in the arms of huggables, comforters and the fire. 

Just a little ahead, a mid festive reminder with a nip in the air, cooing of farthest honks and wheels, touching your soul like a tease. That something about the sky, the tingle so ethereal, sheer flashes of cherished moments. This magic is indescribable, its an experience most awaited after months of drizzle and drench. 

I wait as though the honk is conveying his messages, the breeze has gifted me his touch, the sweet aroma is his scent mingling with the petals and drying  leaves to preserve in my potpourri. The lit up stores inviting me to buy him that momento for the year. Dazzling embellished garments flaunting his princely charm, nudging me to dress up for the season.

I wait, empty arms, yet filled with love messages from autumn galore. I stand up to hear the far fetched zig of wheels, chirping birds and night crawlers. I still feel engulfed. I am still so cheered up, no sign of remorse. Surrounded by the distances, overpowered by what autumn has to say.

No sign of doubt, ‘he loves me, he loves me not’! No tears his touches are light. No fear the arms aren’t locked around me. No worries that festivities are all about me. Autumn blesses with thunders and whispers, a mystique, a spell so fabulous. The tender flowers on the tough boughs, the crushing leaves still a pause, life begins to trudge into a secret mission for miraculous. 

Oktoberfest comes knocking on, you welcome him, her and all those.  He is yet to arrive, he is yours. You know he is yet to arrive, even if he doesnt….he is yours..

He loves me…oh he loves me..no nots!


Don’t answer the Call..

I was upset with my little one throwing tantrum at midnight. I realy wished I could make him vanish until he regained his calm! But I am not the fairy Godmother, nor is he the enchanted…

Soon I was clearing up the table and making the bed. Putting all to sleep I shut out the lights. I dropped, don’t know when, into a deep slumber.  My eyes opened with a hustle bustle, I didn’t see the little one in bed. Pretty annoyed, he dared mess up so late, I kept gazing at the phone. It was 2.30am!! Holy! What on earth could he be trying, was he out of his wits? 

I walked up to see him lying on his bed, rather washed out! I came back and responded to a few texts. My friend in UK asked me surprised how I was up so late. I gathered my wits and listened carefully to what had actually disturbed me. I hear a bunch of dogs howling and barking mad, that gave me a start, I said. Just then I could hear a whole lot of noise from the kitchen. “Never answer a knock between midnight until dawn”, they say. Those are supposed to be the wee hours, stolen by darkness, tendered by surrealism.  

I was frozen. I just knew there was something going on, but couldn’t go to check. Mildly assumed it was the rats as there was some food lying outside. Tried hard to take a wink, but my eyes were stuck out open like I had no lids! Whooh! It was tiring. In sometime I had dozed off. The twilight tempered my senses, I could go check now or wait for the milkman to ring the bell. I couldn’t wait. Hopping out to see, my son sleeping on the couch in the lounge I went bonkers.

When did you come here to sleep? I asked. I was here all night, he said. Why is the main gate open? He said he wouldnt know. Did you wake up for food at 2 o clock? No, he said!

Ah! I had goose bumps but I wouldn’t let him know. I was pretending it was him and he had forgotten.

But it remains unanswered who was there!

Let Go…

I was practising, yoga and had begun to believe in self control and the joy of being. Breathing in and out, I kept my mind from lurking mischief and wondering into woes. I approached the sublime and soon would let my mind float into clouds of mystery and romance. 

The surrealism of being in love, its thistley nuances, thin lines between falling in and out to escaping wars, I wanted to take it all, consumingly overwhelmed by its facets so enamouring. My last stiffness had lasted a week and I had successfully stopped all communication, when all melted seeing a note asking ‘where are you?’ I held up my head breathed heavy and tried to detox from the feelings spiralling within. But something still seemed to vehemently deny the breathing pattern.

My yogic practice was failing! Work was getting unrewarding or was I disorienting it? I would call mom to get her quick solutions for anything, but this one was dreary! Let go! She said, the moment I spilled my woes. LET GO? My job!!! I was baffled.  For a parent there isn’t worse than what tortures the kid. She would want that moster get off her kid’s back and let the poor child play happy.

But job wasn’t really a monster! Even my work mates weren’t that zany, nor was my schedule. I went digging deeper into my soul to figure out why I made that call to mom. It was a long search, perhaps just begun.

I was neither unhappy with myself nor with my way of living, not too pompous nor hurting.  But each time I met my closest buddy I was beginning to feel a disturbance. Our senses are so designed they signal right and wrong, if you watched closely they would lead you perfectly! You see appreciation in the eyes of your buddies and your selfworth goes up. The reverse holds as true! 

If your buddy were envious, not compassionate enough or purely not attracted, whether he pretended or showed it, it may impact you. No amount of breathing helped focus into inner strengths. This is when I would jump to react but hold on. The tug of war has a shearing strain on your inner being. Despite the best reads as ” How to be strong” and “positive thinking” which every young mind would devour I was losing a big part of me. My smile! 

Thats when I took to this simple measure. Check how real your smile is to know who you are and how close to your inner being!

The alert goes blaring if your result shows a tremendous distance. It’s not unusual to give in to that state, specially if you believed in karma and destiny. You may believe it’s harmonious to adapt and serve all your social personal conditions with subservience. Yes, as long as your smile is hearty. 

Else, Let Go! What do we hold on to? The dearest things. What is dear? That which causes a fear of loss.  The moment you rake in your thoughts about how you are without all that you are accumulating, you see your being. If you have to tug something along to keep, its probably going to resist and try break loose. Leave it, if the wind and water carry it to you, being with it is a pleasure and as long as it stays! Give it a thought. You may seem mavericky, but you are realistic!

Let Go! It will come back, coz you loved it so!

Love Hurts..

“Hey! Where do you live?”, came her notification! “A curious she, popped open her chat box, excited she had a reply from a new friend. From lazy chats to a strange sharing of moments and further on to a lovable bond, she was rather in awe how things were falling in place! Each time he endorsed he didn’t want it to end she was an inch more excited!

“Can we meet?”, she asked. He said, “there were too many things going on!”. Put back, she was a little hassled if everything was alright. From distances you can only presume, not perceive much of the real reaction.

Each time there was a new reaction, a new reason not to meet. All alarms set off! She began to worry if this was a fake, manipulative, abusive relationship!

One day she got a threat call from a woman, claiming relationship with this guy. She started verifying and threatening. When contacted he avoided, slipped away and denied any disclosure. Instead abused her for engaging in discussion and disturbing him. She was in utter shock! She asked him if he wanted to end this and had better people to be with. He still denied. This went on for years, until she fell through a nervous breakdown.

Yet, he claimed his love for her, while being away with others.

I wonder, what makes a man lie even when it is disastrous to the other! Just to evade truth, deny being characterless, protect the other relationship, enjoy a sadistic touch or sheer inability to displease anyone. Mind you, the cost of this lie could be a human life! The cost could be insanity. I don’t believe there is any excuse to let such a thing happen.

My prayers, people who resort to these habits understand the aftermath, learn some self control so that relationships do not become meaninglessly harmful.

But, one thing to learn is to let go, before it is too late. It is wiser to let such people go off your life so that they cannot hurt you. It’s tough to part ways, but just on yourself to keep away from trouble. This is where letting go helps immensely.

Happy Mother’s Day!

I called Mom,eager to wish, show my gratitude, make her feel special and valued on this special day, 14th of May’17.

Her mobile phone beeped and stopped. My excitement dipped a notch. I called a few more times, each time a singsong automated message said the phone was either, busy or unreachable. Hmmphh…! I let it go.

Hours of waiting for a good time when she wouldn’t be resting or working, I called again. This time bubbling with wishes and emotions, I waited to hear her voice. But the phone was now switched off? My imaginations running wild, I wondered if something had gone awfully wrong, she wasn’t home or just upset with me. Quickly, my mind ran back and forth recollecting the sequences of last few discussions. Nothing! That would upset her.

At Eight in the evening I figured her phone was busy, waited a while and called back it was switched off! This time I was sure there was some malice against me. I was a little put off. Yet I kept up with my hope. Just before the special day ended, at 11:45pm, I tried one more time. No response! Now, this was unusual for a Sunday. I was rather worried since she had been alone the past week. Since Dad’s passing away in January, she was still going through a trauma.

Worried sick, I waited to call her next morning when she would be in her office. I called, smartly waiting to pounce on her when a slightly different voice answered the phone. “Who is this?”, she asked. “Someone waiting to wish her Mom on Mother’s Day”, I said. The voice kind of trembled unsure of the prompt response, curtly asked me my identity. I was worried if I had dialed a wrong number. So I dropped the call. Yet, the discussion I overheard before dropping the call made me rethink. I quickly checked the contact list and dialed back. “Yes”, she responded. “Mom, it’s me!” I blurted before she had disconnected. “Oh! Baby. Is that you?”, she sighed after that whisper. “I had been trying all day to wish you!”, I yelled complaining. “Is this your contact number? I got scared yesterday”, she narrated how they had been putting the phone off each time they saw my call. I was using a number that they didn’t know. I just didn’t realize I wasn’t using my usual phone.

“I had a terrible squabble with my younger brother with regards to inheritance and I was scared they were calling to threaten me of consequences”, she said. “Ah!, so I made your day worrisome instead of making it happy!” I said regretfully. So much ado about making Mother’s Day Happy!

Unlimited Love


She was touching a crisp sixteen, spirits soaring, dreams too big to contain in a little heart! Anxiety to know her future, her present and know it all was about pouring out of the cup. Her mind filled with questions, building a strange vacuum around, leaving bystanders baffled about what she wanted, some dodging them as nonsense.

One day her uncle told her, some of the answers she sought would be there in the bible. she grabbed the holy book and couldn’t but stop devouring the sermons on faith, love, sacrifice, forgiveness and compassion! All those words that would melt into the ears, would read aloud a new story about itself. What else did a human need after all she wondered. It was almost like her answers were all there!

But the stupid mind wouldn’t just rest yet! “Love who?”, it popped.

She did visit the temple but resisted from her usual wishing for dreams to come true. She had awkward doubts about how her wishes would get fulfilled, if she was to ask and then why and to who?  A lot of searching to satiate that restless mind, a hungry heart led her wandering from books to bookies, not many could see her vulnerability.

That evening, she sat with her grandfather, a retired police officer. Having served the nation and some great leaders, he had resigned into a sedentary life. A stiffly disciplined man of high repute in service of utmost high standards, he had set bars for all children so tall, that she was scared to talk to him earlier. Now a teenager, braver and thoughtful, she was keen to hear him tell about his life achievements. A sad story why the unspoken truth about a public life had hushed him into seclusion as a healthier bet, but actually led him into suppression and ill health.

He was under treatment for geriatric ailments and in six months she was seeing final respects and gun salute offered to his body! She stood alarmed, heartbroken and moreover awe struck at the turn of events, the value of this living body and lack of control on life as a whole!

Twelve days post his passing away, she visited grandfather’s house to see six men, young and old, all clad in saffron loincloth reading, chanting, singing hymns and elaborating sermons. One phrase caught her attention! The old man said, “this body is not us!”. She blurted,”what?”, much aloud to stop the discussion for a moment.

She Was Gone

He was there at the airport, to see her!

“How long are you here?”, he queried surprised. “Don’t know”, she said unsure if she wanted to meet him. “I don’t believe you are here!”, he seemed nervous and curious about her visit in all these five years. Her gaze was constant and blank, like she was scanning his soul. He felt nervous all the more but kept up an intrepid look.

It had been six long years away from him. A long distance wouldn’t work out, she had thought. Still attached she would cry longing for him. He visited twice but she was dying to see more of him. While slowly it sunk in her how little he wanted to! Perhaps it was getting one sided, she thought. things were beginning to lose charm, just words spoken, battle and helpless cry. He seemed happy where he was!

This time,she wasn’t here for him. It amazed how little she wanted to be with him. What an irony, now together at the same place and yet so far apart! “What are you doing ?”, he called up. “I have a couple of meetings”, she was quite not sure if he was just checking on her. She guiltily justified her reaction to herself, ‘at times people query to plan their own action’.

He began complaining of feeling insulted and left out. “Don’t put up such pics in your profile, I am longing to see you”, he told her. “Ah, can you stop that, don’t disturb me”. Her loss of faith was oozing now. She tried to curb her curtness, yet what’s natural shows. Bad memories of his apathy when she was away cast a shadow so dark that she was unable to grapple with his presence so close. Spells of hatred reflected in her poisoned tongue. She wanted to cut him out of her life. Untruth was his base, she couldn’t reconcile how that would ever turn into love.

Unlike earlier times when she fought to be near him, now she loathed? It surprised her, she tried to accept him and his justifications, give it a benefit of doubt and love him again. But she was too full of his insolence. No matter how she appreciated his gestures, truth hurt her like hard waves and brought her back to that one question, “will he be there when you really need him?”

He looked high and low, he could hear her near by, yet she was oblivious, she was invisible. She had gone, far away, though right in the same city. She had given up on him.